I want to be Intentional, but…

Life has gotten crazy…

I can’t even remember where it started, but certainly a short time after my last post.   I know I can’t plan my pain on all those things, but I am sure it didn’t help.

I like to think that I am strong and I don’t let stressful things get to me, but when we were hit with the situation we had, I guess I wasn’t as strong as I thought.  I know God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle, but at that point I was drowning.  Needless to say a situation that our exchange student put us in was just awful. Long story short, she made a very bad choice, one that was specifically written in the rules not to break and she did.  I had no idea what to do, other than just cry!  I could not believe that she had done the things she did and continued on with it.  (Now, let me just say, we are all sinful and I am not claiming to be perfect.)  She never thought that she would be caught or actually be followed through with the action of being sent home.  We were a wreck, one for this relationship that we had built with her was based on some lies, two, our daughters were going to be devastated that she would be sent home, and three, it was a dumb teenager mistake one that many of us have fallen into.  Why were the rules so strict.  It came to awareness very quickly that it was out of our hands and rules were rules.  I was literally sick.  I worried about her being sent home, worried what this might do to a young girl, worried for her faith and belief.

I wanted her to know that no matter what God still loved her and no sin is worse than another, it’s all sin.  We have gotten to love her as one of our own daughters.  As hurst as we were, we weren’t sure how her parents would handle it, they are Christians also, so we prayed.  I prayed and prayed for God to give her another chance to stay with us, but it wasn’t looking good.  I am all about second chances, but wasn’t sure it was in the cards this time.  The next day the agency called to go over things with me and I asked if it was possible for her to stay.  They pondered it and said yes, but it had never happened before.  My hubby and I had a long talk and decided to have her come back, but with very strict rules.  Needless to say she got to come back into our home with arms wide open.  We have forgiven her, just as God calls us to, but we are being cautious with activities she’s allowed to be involved in.

So, that was big stressing situation #1, then the next day I got a phone call that a family member had passed away.  He had been battling his disease for a long time, but it’s still hard to know that loved ones pass away.  We know he’s in a better place for sure and pain-free.  So, we got our exchange student moved back in and I was off to the funeral.  I was worried the whole time about her about my family, about my Aunt grieving…  It was a beautiful service and great time celebrating his life!  He would have been happy.  At his mass, the priest said something I’ll never forget.  He talked about how time was so important to my Uncle and how he made time for his faith, his family and his friends.  He said how important all these things were to him, which was true.  He said it’s the time now, to make the most of the time you have now b/c we’ll never get it back.  The struck a nerve with me, thinking about my family and our lifestyle.  They are the most important thing to me, my relationship with God first, my hubby and then my girls.  Nobody can take that away from me.

Which brings me to stress #3, feeling like I have to justify why we homeschool to our family.  I know our parents and siblings only want the best for you, but these are our children, our decision and our mighty arrows we are rising for God.  I love them all dearly but it’s tearing me apart trying to please them and feel like we are worthy of making our own choices for the good of girls.  This has put me in a funk for sure.  I have thought of myself as a failure and what-not.  But that’s got to stop.  I love my life right now and would not change it for the world!  Yes, my  girls may not be learning the things that the kids at school are right now and that’s okay with me.  They are only little for so long, and I want to be a huge impact on their lives,  not the government dictated at school.  I want to expose them to the things we feel they are old to handle, not some kid at school, I want to watch their eyes dance and hearts leap when they learn something new and finally grasp it, I want to be the one who exposes them to the truths of this crazy world, not a teacher or staff member and most of all I want to be with my kids and love on them as much possible and whenever I want!

So, bringing it up to the last few weeks…I have a hysterectomy scheduled for March 20 and I am in pain, not sure why.  I have a pain in my upper stomach that will not go away…it’s awful!  So much fun.  I’ve been to ER, no answers.  I think they shouldn’t make you pay if they can’t figure out what’s wrong with you.  😉 Just my .02.  I am going for a scope tomorrow, so please pray for an answer for me, that I am able to get back to “normal” life and begin being intentional with it.

I have found that with all these things going on I’ve fallen into a trap of being lazy with things in general.  (taken this idea of the layout from Joyful Mothering)

Our days have been pretty much Math lessons, spelling, some writing, reading and if I am up for it Bible time.  I know that’s awful to say, but they can pretty do these things independently, while I rest.  I started the year with My Father’s World, but we got tired of the retentiveness of it all.  It got boring and then we were bouncing back and forth between 2 science’s and heck with everything else.  I bought some workbooks at Barnes and Noble and like those, so were doing those for now and yes, they are learning.  I have also discovered we are way to socialized and need to cut back.  Starting now!  We are going to cut back on extra activities until my issues are resolved and have my head back in the game.  We will be doing the basics for now and sprinkle in more fun time at home, maybe invite a friend or two also, nothing in stone though.  I certainly don’t have it all together, but I do know most of all that I love homeschooling my girls and wouldn’t change it for anything.

Well since I’ve been feeling really bad that last 2.5 weeks, my house is not being kept the way I want it.  Sure, everyone pitches in here and there, but it’s not the way I would do it.  I feel like a horrible wife not being able to keep things up to standards.  When my house is a mess, I get out of control…lucky for them I haven’t been able to move around a whole bit.  What irritates me more than anything though is in 2 more weeks, I will be down again after surgery.  I have hired a cleaner to come in next week and then again in April.  If I can get a monthly cleaning, I would be most happy and could keep up better with the day-to-day stuff overall.

I have not been very intentional about spending my daily time with God.  I pray daily for people and thank him for the things provided, but fully engaged I have not been.  I feel like I am missing that deep connection right now and I am craving it.   I know Satan yearns for us to be distracted and lazy and get caught up in other things, which for me can be shopping.  (not good)  I started this blog to keep my intentional and keep my focus on God, my family and I am majorly slacking.  Please help me get back on track and get my relationship with God right first and then the other things will fall into place.

Weight Loss
So far, so good.  I am happy for now.  I am currently down 20lbs.  If I could lose another 15lbs. I will be so excited!  I have not changed my mindset yet though.  I still see this big lump staring back at me.  It’ll take a while to get over that.  But, it’s  a start.

Something I need to do:

Philippians 4,6-7